Baptism of the Holy Spirit

#1
I've been looking into this after 16 years of a practically defeated Christian walk, with only a few glimpses of God's brilliant glory in my life.

I spent the first ten or eleven years of my journey in a Baptist church - first under a pastor who was very legalistic but very strong in the study and teaching of the bible. The legalism was that only certain music was allowed (hymns only and the only new music approved was from Bob Jones University (one of the most well known but very legalistic Bible colleges in the USA), basically just new "hymns" in the same style of the ancient hymns...LOL), sanctified, obedient women only wore dresses, men's hair couldn't touch their collar; men had to wear a tie and jacket to church, etc.

I was exposed to books like Charismatic Chaos and The Pied Piper of the Pentecostal movement, teaching that charismatics at best were woefully deceived; at worst the tool of Satan himself.

Then another pastor came who was not a strong bible teacher at all; he fed us watered down milk while he and his wife destroyed the congregation with gossip and hyper-control. He said he was a bible believer but he leaned more and more on christian pop psychology than the bible, it seemed.

I had visited other fundamentalist baptist churches over the years and just felt like they were MISSING SOMETHING....not sure what, but something was MISSING.

My husband had been in an Assembly of God church, before we married, which I found almost repugnant with the "babbling" and emotional nonsense going on all the time and they were NOT friendly. It was foreign and scary to a baptist girl! When we married he agreed to attend my baptist church though I was willing to find another, as I was unsettled about the pastor (at this time I didn't know he was a gossip and a liar to boot; that came later).

Anyway, to make a long story short, we left that church and joined up with a Christian and Missionary Alliance Church (think Billy Graham). We found what was missing at the Baptist church - vibrance, life - the Holy Spirit! Not all CMA churches are like ours; some of them you couldn't tell them from a Baptist, but this one was what I was seeking in my heart - sort of a marriage between mild pentecostalism and more liberal Baptist theology without compromising God's word.

We're now part of a church plant and the new church is not CMA, but it has definite Charismatic tendencies. I love our church and I feel led and stretched to seek something more than what I've had. My journey thus far has been wraught with failure and defeat, and I long for the power of a full, Spirit empowered life.

I feel that I need the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. But my Baptist roots cry out against asking for it. Yet there is a yearning in my heart for it. I sat outside last night and listened to the wind rustling the leaves (I live in the country) and asked the Holy Spirit to blow through me like like the rushing wind of old and like the breeze I heard now. Nothing happened that I know of, though I realize that I may have to earnestly seek this like the woman looking for her lost coin or the man searching for his pearl of great price. I just want ot be sure that I'm doing the right thing!

I need some guidance - something! I don't want wacked out pentecostalism; I want a genuine, spirit-led life. I have lots of doctrine, I know many Scriptures, but I'm a babe in Christ, even 16 years later...just a babe. I want to grow.

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate. I just ...am wondering as I wander. LOL
 
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